


This Isn't a Picnic

by BlueColoredDreams



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Banana Vore, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, F/M, Getting Together, Magnus Eats Things He Shouldn't: The Fic, accidental poisoning, allergic reactions, cinnamon challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-10 02:44:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12902253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueColoredDreams/pseuds/BlueColoredDreams
Summary: Magnus has a history of eating things he shouldn't.





	This Isn't a Picnic

**Author's Note:**

> It's magcretia week!  
> Day One: IPRE/Bureau

Honestly, the second that Taako makes the crack about them not being in possession of the Philosopher’s Stone, Lucretia knows exactly what’s happened, and frankly…

She’s not surprised.

In fact, she’s endlessly thankful that they’re not in the room with her; she isn’t sure she would be able to keep her composure if they were right there, in front of her. 

She pinches her nose and represses the urge to sigh until she passes out from lack of oxygen.

“I imagine that you had good reason for doing so,” she says, imagining nothing of the sort. She knows, exactly, intimately, without need for context or even affirmation, that Magnus just ate it because it was there.

“ _Nope, I-I absolutely did not, it’s a, you know, heat of the moment, sometimes you eat a thing, and you’re like, “well I shouldn’t have eaten that,” like a dog, you know?_ ”

She purses her lips and turns her head from her Stone, barely even hearing Taako’s bit as she inhales and then deliberately changes the topic.

It’s far from the first time Magnus has eaten something decidedly not edible. She hangs up, and deliberately hides her face in her hands, shaking with silent laughter.

* * *

Lucretia holds her stack of notepads, tablet, mission notes, and pen case to her chest, looking down the hallway in awe. She’s not been allowed in this section of the Institute, yet, as her clearance wasn’t high enough.

It’s polished and the white tiled floors gleam with an air of newness and exorbitant grant money that excites her in ways she can’t even begin to describe. The stories waiting to happen in these halls, in each room—all of that potential is concentrated in this one hallway. She shivers in anticipation and starts her walk, peering carefully at each placard.

Rooms with radiation stickers, darkroom labels, and high voltage warnings—rooms with dark paneled windows, rooms that are separated from the hall with thick panes of glass, showing the wiring and machinery that powers the whole Institute.

She adjusts her nametag with her new clearance level on it self-consciously, feeling dwarfed in comparison to some of the things she sees, the people who pass her in the hall with their clipboards and soft voices. Not for the first time, she’s conscious of her age. She’s old enough, she tells herself. An adult, someone to be taken seriously. She’s been published several times, after all; she’s earned her place in these hallways.

She better get used to being here; she’s sure the rest of the mission team are like these serious, busy-looking people in their lab coats.

She pauses outside of her destination, leaning onto her toes as she checks her tablet for the room assignment. This is the first time she’ll be meeting her teammates, the first time they’ll be debriefed on the actual nature of the bond engine and the magical energy that powers it.

She grins and puts her hand on the knob. As she swings the door open, she’s met with the pungent smell of pure cinnamon—not bad, just  a lot of it—the sound of laughter, and someone coughing violently.

She looks inside. Two elves with similar manic grins point at a boy probably no older than twenty as he leans over his knees, face red and eyes streaming as he coughs. On the table between them is a spoon, and a rather large container of cinnamon.

Lucretia closes the door. Looks at the placard:  It matches her assignment; the room has clearly been assigned to the bond engine team. But the three occupants are just as young as she is, and the Institute is filled with only the best and brightest.

The best and brightest do not do the fantasy cinnamon challenge in a classified area… do they?

She sets her jaw, figuring they must be interns or students. She opens the door again.

“Um. Is—is he alright?” she stammers, pointing at the young man, who’s now throwing up into a trash can.

“Yeah, he’s just a wuss,” one of the elves says dismissively, examining their fingernails, which are long and painted with silver glitter.

“Am not!” the young man rasps. “I think you cheated, Taako.”

“O…okay, well, in any case, this is the meeting room for the bond engine team, so, if you could…”

“Oh, honey,” the other elf laughs. “We are the team. Or most of it.”

Lucretia looks at the three of them. “... _Oh_. Um. Okay, then. I just wasn’t sure,” she murmurs. She stands and looks on in horror for a good thirty seconds, glad that her complexion won’t give away how hot her face feels.

She was expecting people like her professors, people like the stern-faced man who’d handed over her security badge, people like who she interviews under the guise of an intern to trip them into spilling secrets.

She creeps past the two elves and sits at the end of the table, facing the door without another word. Perhaps she’d set her expectations a little high.

She fiddles with her tablet, skimming the brief mission notes she’d been delivered—nothing seems like it’s anything but a serious mission, but…

“I’m Magnus,” the young man says happily, leaning across the table to shake her hand. “Security.”

She studies his face, and then feels her face grow warm as she takes her first good look at him. She’s flustered to realize that once he’s not actively vomiting, he’s incredibly attractive: He’s broad shouldered with a genial smile and hazel eyes that crinkle up as he smiles at her, even though they’re red-rimmed at the moment. He looks like meeting her is genuinely an interesting experience—and Lucretia finds herself shyly smiling back at him.

“Lucretia,” she squeaks after a moment’s too long of a pause. She gives his fingers a gentle squeeze as they shake, just like she’d been taught to.

Despite being young, he sports a fairly impressive set of sideburns and a slight beard the same gingery color as his hair, and his nose is crooked in a way that Lucretia never realized was actually visually pleasing. Except…

“Um. Your nose. Is uh, it’s bleeding,” she says, tapping her own face. “I think you might need to see a cleric?”

“Well shit,” Magnus says, smearing blood across his lip with the back of his hand, then sneezes, splattering it across the table. “Taako! Lup, you said this shit was harmless!”

She scoots back, amending her earlier, brief thought. He’s attractive, but a little… foolhardy.  

* * *

After four years, they have a strict system for food they’ve gathered. Merle and Taako run detect poison; Barry breaks them down for nutritional components. No one eats new food until they pass both tests, no matter how many locals they see eating.

(Additional food rules: none of the biological samples are allowed in the galley’s refrigeration units. Everything is labeled extensively and clearly, after an unfortunate incident with a biological sample, Magnus, and a batch of chocolate drop cookies. Davenport was not amused, everyone was disgusted, and Barry was incredibly apologetic.)

Magnus is almost always is the first to try new food. Taako and Lup are second, and then Davenport. Lucretia and Barry tend to be last.

A week into cycle four, they’re still eating Taako’s illusionary and transfigured rations—safe and familiar food. The inhabitants are humanoid like they are, and have a similar enough diet that Barry and Merle are pretty sure the food will be safe, but Davenport insists.

Lucretia sits on deck, adding details to her initial write-up and sketch of the plane. She hears shouting below. She closes her journal slowly, waiting to a count of ten—the shouting continues and she sighs.

She rises to her feet and heads below deck, seeking out the source of the ruckus.

It’s not hard to find—the bathroom door, open, as Magnus alternately vomits and coughs as Davenport rubs his temples and Barry is just standing, silently with his hands up looking guilty.

Lucretia sidles up to Lup, eyeing Merle behind Magnus in the bathroom.

“Um. What happened this time?” she asks quietly, feeling a pang of concern deep in her gut.

“Dunno,” Lup says, scrunching her nose up. “He just pretty much started puking. He was chatting up BJ-Jeans over there and then, bam.”

“Mm.”

Lup looks over at her with a knowing grin, nudging her side. “You concerned, eh, _ehhhh_?”

“Lup,” Lucretia sighs, deftly stepping out of Lup’s elbow range. She’d made the mistake of getting flustered the first time, and now Lup takes every opportunity to rib her about her crush. “If Magnus has picked up some bug or parasite or whatever, we should all be concerned. Why does Barry look so guilty?”

“Dav hasn’t gotten it out of ‘im.”

Lucretia slowly inches from Lup’s side to Davenport’s. “What’s going on?”

Davenport sighs and gestures at the bathroom. “Obviously Magnus has gotten into _something_ he’s not supposed to, _again_ ,” he snaps. “We’ve all been eating the same rations and no one but Magnus is sick! _Someone_ ’s broken protocol.”

“I don’t know what he ate!” Barry insists, “We were chatting in the lab and then he—he just got sick? I don’t even know what’s missing!”

“I can’t do nothin’ until we know what it is he ate,” Merle says.

“It was candy, or some weird fruit,” Magnus rasps. He sits back on his heels, and Lucretia winces at how rough he looks. He’s pale underneath the flush of exertion, his breath wet and rattling as he sinks against the bathroom wall with exhaustion. “It was on the ‘okay’ side of the bench.”

“…I don’t have any fruit on the— oh, _fuck me_ ,” Barry whispers, glasses sliding down his nose as his eyes widen. “I’ll be _right back_.”

Lup puts her fingers to her lips and whistles as Barry jogs off. She and Taako instantly break into snickers as the backs of his ears turn visibly red from afar.

Merle snorts, patting Magnus on the cheek. “Well, no good now, fellow’s passed out.”

“Well wake him up!” Davenport snaps.

“Right, right,” Merle says. He mumbles something under his breath, and Magnus is back to coughing and lurching forward to throw up again. “Yep, get that all out big guy.”

“That’s disgusting, hombre,” Taako calls, leaning on Lup. “Why are we watching this again?”

“We have no other forms of entertainment,” Lup says, prodding his side. “But also Lucy-lu’s right, if it’s environmental, we gotta know.”

Taako’s flippant reply is cut off by Barry barreling down the hallway, shouting.

“These are not fruit!” Barry shouts, holding up a bowl of brightly colored squares. “Please say this wasn’t it! These are not fruit!”

“Those, yeah, they’re nasty,” Magnus confirms, right before another round of rough retching that makes Lucretia’s stomach ache in sympathy.

“ _These are detergent pods!”_

Lucretia backs away as Davenport’s face quickly becomes the color of their uniforms, joining the twins on the opposite wall.

“In his defense,” Lucretia murmurs, “They look more like candy than the ones we’re accustomed to.”

Lup and Taako turn to look at her with twin expressions of almost wicked glee.

“Is that so?” Taako drawls. “Do _you_ think they look like candy, owl-eyes?”

Lup sniggers, “Taako, m’dude, it’s not about the candy, it’s about the _boy_.”

“Well, Merle seems to have this under control!” she blurts, backing away down the hallway just as Davenport loses his absolute shit and starts chewing out Magnus and Barry.

* * *

Magnus settles down in the sand next to her and she looks over from her book, grinning. “What? You’re not going to shout?”

“Oh, no,” he says. “This is better than training! I found some banana trees!”

Lucretia laughs as he gestures to the large bunch of bananas beside him. “I see that. You taking them to Taako?”

“Eh, when he comes in. Thought I’d share with you first,” he says, cheeks turning pink.

Lucretia gives a small giggle of nervousness, her stomach jumping at the soft grin on Magnus’s face. Over the years, she’s gotten better at talking to Magnus—that first year was the hardest, what with the confusion and the crush and everything. She could barely string two words together around him.

Now, familiarity soothes the worst of the butterflies in her stomach; it’s helped, too, that Lup’s laid off of teasing her about it. And now, after nearly twenty-one years of knowing Magnus, she’s got an inkling that maybe, she’s not alone in how she feels. For the past few cycles, Magnus has taken to finding her when it’s quiet and just sitting with her, has laid off of some of his rambunctiousness—no more strange pick-up lines and a lot more simple questions and quiet compliments that leave her just as speechless as before.

“Well, thank you,” she says gently.

She sits up, crossing her legs. She tries not to flinch when her knees brush his, or when his thigh presses to hers as he leans forward to break two off of the bunch. It’s not the first snack they’ve shared like this, especially this year, but each time their bare skin touches, she feels like she’s been set on fire.

He hands her one, and holds his up. She laughs and taps her banana to his.

“Cheers, then,” she says. She peels her banana and they lapse into comfortable silence. She watches Barry try, then fail, to stand on Taako’s surfboard, shaking her head in sympathy. “Do you think he’s gonna get—” she starts, then falters, catching Magnus’ gaze on her. “Y…yes?”

Magnus turns pink, then turns his unpeeled banana in his hands.

“I just, I was just, um…” his voice cracks and he laughs nervously. “Have you ever wanted to just bite into this thing! I do! I’m gonna do it right now!”

“No, Magnus, I wouldn’t advise,” she starts, then winces as Magnus bites into his banana, peel, stem, and all.

“Super banana-y,” Magnus mumbles with a mouth full of banana. A few globs fall out of his mouth and Lucretia starts to laugh, shaking her head.

“That’s so gross! Magnus!” she says, giggling into her hand.

“Yeah, I uh, don’t recommend,” he says, swallowing. He sets his banana aside and brushes the pieces off of his lap. “Kind of… concentrated banana gunk.”

Lucretia laughs harder, and Magnus starts to chuckle himself.

“I don’t know why I did that,” he admits.

“Curiosity?” Lucretia offers, looking over at him. She gently flicks a piece of banana from his knee.

“Um, panic,” Magnus says after a moment. He swallows and makes a face, rubbing his throat. “I just, you looked over and I blanked. And it was the first thing that popped up, so… there we go.”

Lucretia blinks, and feels herself smile. She ducks her head, watching the ocean as her face grows warm. “I can’t imagine why,” she says lightly.

Magnus clears his throat and she feels him shrug beside her. “I just, I was thinking I was glad I brought them to you first,” he mumbles.

“I’m glad too,” she says, turning. Magnus smiles at her, then clears his throat again, his fingers still rubbing over his throat. “Magnus, are you alright?”

“I, yeah, yeah, I’m cool,” he says.

“You sound nasally,” she says, reaching over for her canteen. “Here, drink some water.”

“I’m just a little, um, a little nervous,” he says.

Lucretia shakes her water at him, and he takes it with a sheepish grin. “It’s okay,” she says. “I’m… I’m a bit of a wreck too.”

He grins at her and cups her cheek. “Well, that makes me feel a little better? I’d sort of, I was a little like, what if she doesn’t like bananas? What if the tingling thing isn’t something she likes? ‘Cause then I’d feel bad for getting you bananas when you’re not into them.”

“Woah, back up,” Lucretia says, “Tingling?”

“Yeah, you know, the mouth burning thing. You eat bananas, and then your mouth itches for a bit.”

Lucretia blinks slowly, then grabs his hand. “Magnus, your mouth itches when you eat bananas?”

Magnus flushes, looking at their hands. “Um… yeah?” He slips his fingers through hers, grinning slyly at her. “If you wanted to hold my hand you could say it.”

“Magnus, that’s not normal,” she says. “Your mouth isn’t supposed to feel like that. Is that, is that why you’ve been—oh boy, you’ve gotta go.” She tugs her hand from his and gently pushes his shoulder. “Leave, go, you gotta go to the ship, go see Merle.”

Magnus’s face sinks, lips turning into a wounded frown. “Lucretia, you’re sending some mixed signals, I—I’m, was it not okay to hold your hand?” 

Lucretia laughs, something high and nervous. She stands and grabs both of his hands, tugging on him insistently. “Get up, get up, yes, I want to hold your hand, but not while you’re having an allergic reaction! Magnus! Flirting isn’t worth that!” she cries. “I’m really happy you, uh, _well_ , me— but you shouldn’t have eaten that!”

“I’m not allergic to bananas,” Magnus says, coughing as his breath catches in his throat. “Just uh, um. Well, latex.”

“I _think_ those cross-react, Magnus,” Lucretia says urgently, tugging on him. “Please come on?”

Magnus stands slowly, feeling a little unbalanced. “Do they?”

Lucretia pushes her hands against the small of his back, giving him a nudge forward. “I don’t know! Obviously! C’mon, go!”

“I’m goin’, I’m going!”

She manages to get him into Merle’s quarters, just in time for him to start wheezing and slouching forward.

Merle sits up and eyes him over. “Bee? Shellfish?”

“Bananas,” Lucretia says.

“Weirder things have happened. There’s some Fantasy Benadryl in the second drawer to the left, and here we go, bud.”

Magnus gasps softly, coughing as the flush eases from his face at the touch of Merle’s spell.  Lucretia grabs the battered bottle of medicine and thrusts it at Merle.

“Drink this, you’ll go to sleep and this should get you going.”

“Does he have like, an epi-pen or anything?” she murmurs, gently touching Magnus’ bare shoulder.

“No,” Merle and Magnus say in unison. Merle eyes him.

“What’d you do, sonny?”

Magnus turns red. “Um… apparently bananas are latex?”

“Oh yeah, you _are_ allergic to latex. Forgot.” Merle caps the Fantasy Benadryl, nodding. “Yeah. Should avoid some other fruits too,” he grumbles. “Why’d you eat ‘em if you knew you couldn’t?”

“I um… found ‘em, and I just… I uh… ate the…” Magnus shrugs, face turning pink. Lucretia watches as he scratches his sideburns anxiously, eyes darting away from Merle’s gaze.

She knows he’s sometimes embarrassed by the things he does on impulse, and she doesn’t really want to share that she’d flustered him into eating it—it’s too new, and it’s… strangely precious to her.

“I dared him to eat the peel,” Lucretia says, spreading her hand across his back. “I thought it would be funny, um… I didn’t know.”

Merle snorts and waves them off. “Go put him to bed, lovebirds.”

Magnus looks at Lucretia, who hopes she doesn’t look as mortified as she feels. She guides him from Merle’s quarters towards his own.

“Please don’t say anything,” she whispers. “I know I lied.”

“No, I… that was sweet,” Magnus says gently. “I didn’t know about the latex thing in bananas, though. I could just admit it, it’d have been fine.”

“Well,” Lucretia laughs softly. “It’s a little of an odd one, I’ll admit. No more, okay, no bananas anymore. Find something else to bring me. Now go to bed.”

Magnus grins at her, then leans down and gently presses a kiss to her forehead. “Thank you, Luce. Tomorrow, do you want to go on a walk? I can show you where I found the bananas.”

“I’d like that. Yeah. Don’t eat them?”

“I won’t,” he laughs.

* * *

She stirs from sleep as Magnus swears quietly, having bumped into what sounds like her desk.

“Mags?” she mumbles, rolling over. “Light?”

“No, shh, sorry,” he whispers. He settles on the edge of the bed and she lets herself shift towards him as the mattress dips towards him. He kicks off his boots then wiggles under the covers.

She lets him maneuver her against his body, shivering at the cold touch to his clothes. She squeaks and kicks his shin softly as his hands slip up her sweatshirt, ice-cold against the small of her back. “Mmph, Magnus,” she complains.

“Sorry.”

He doesn’t sound very sorry, but she’s used to that. She curls in close to him, sleepily nuzzling against his chest. “How’d it go?”

“Um. Well, okay, I guess. We know where they’re hiding the Light _and_ … I ate a map and a key.”

“That’s nice, dear,” Lucretia mumbles sleepily. She dozes against him for a moment, then jolts as his words sank in. “You ate _what_?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Magnus soothes, cupping the back of her head and nestling her against his neck. “I’m cool, it was a power move. We’re cool.”

“I don’t—whatever,” she yawns. “I hope we don’t need those.”

“Oh, that’s why it was a power move.”

“Fucking—okay, okay. Well. _I’m_ going to sleep. _You_. You have fun with that in the morning,” she says, rolling over so her back is to Magnus’ chest.

He laughs, kissing the back of her ear as he pulls her close.

* * *

She tries to be serious, she does. But it’s a little hard to keep a straight face as Merle and Taako start plotting how to get the Stone out of Magnus, who grows increasingly and increasingly harried until Taako puts him to sleep.

She rests one hand over her mouth biting back the urge to laugh—it’s such a familiar song and dance that it briefly lifts her mood, distracting her for five whole, hilarious and frankly horrific, minutes from everything else.

_(Barry, Maureen, Lucas. So many people lost, but they’re more than halfway.)_

She’s not sure _who_ thought it was a good idea to sell the Glutton’s Fork to Garfield for resell, but whoever it is, they’re getting a raise in the morning.


End file.
